


독 (Poison)

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Soulmates, Trauma, sehun's past lives are horrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29912967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: They said that the moles on your body are your soulmate's favorite places to kiss you in your past life and when your lover in the present life kisses your moles, it brings up memories of your lover from your past life, and unfortunately for Sehun, it brings up horrible memories from his past.Or where everyone’s loyalty and love for one person has its limits, and for Sehun, he thinks he has reached his.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14
Collections: monthlysekai's Flower Garden





	독 (Poison)

**Author's Note:**

> Bouquet of Chrysanthemums for monthlysekai's Challenge #5
> 
> hello this is an excerpt from one of my supposed to be long fic but i never really had the energy to finish it so here's the scene that i really wanted to put out there!
> 
> hope you guys like it!

The uncomfortable silence is deafening for the both of them and the time is slowly passing by, making Sehun’s anxiety rise up as the moments go by.

It’s tough news to take in for Jongin, hell, it was also tough news for Sehun when it first happened to him, but he got through it—more like he forced himself to get through it because he has no other choice.

Sehun doesn’t know if he should go over to Jongin and comfort him, a part of him wants to do it, but another, larger, part of him pulls him down straight to his place. The whole situation is frightening; no one dares to make the next move.

Sehun, though, on the other side, has already prepared for this moment a long time ago. It took him a whole lot of courage to open this up to Jongin, his boyfriend, his lover, his other half, his  _ soulmate _ .

It’s difficult for Jongin to take in all the information that Sehun had just said to him. It’s difficult to digest that every time he kisses Sehun’s moles, he’s not being welcomed with good memories, but he’s embraced by horrible ones instead.

Throughout the whole time that he has spent with Sehun, Jongin believed that Sehun was greeted with flashbacks of his lovely relationship with him in their past lives – but he’s not. What’s even worse is that in all of Sehun’s memories, Jongin isn’t the one who he sees. It’s always a different person per mole.

Jongin cannot wrap his head around the fact that Sehun kept all of this to himself. How Sehun was able to stay with him after everything that he has been going through?

Jongin takes a deep breath before speaking for the first time after Sehun’s confession.

“How long, Sehun? Tell me…” Jongin asks Sehun with tears welling up in his eyes, disbelief written all over them. His eyes that were once shining with happiness and full of light are now being taken over by complete darkness and pain.

“Tell me Sehun, please…” Jongin is begging. He thinks he already knows the answer to his question but he needs to make sure.

“From the beginning…” Sehun chokes out and finally breaks down in front of Jongin. Sehun lets everything out, painful sobs leaving his body, his voice cracking every single time an apology leaves his mouth, and regret is painfully painted on his pretty face.

The room suddenly starts to spin in Jongin’s vision, he can’t breathe, the air is suddenly refusing to enter his lungs and he feels tight in his chest; he’s in shock. He tries to clear his head by walking around in the small space of their bedroom and it makes him feel even worse than before as everything starts to crash down on him.

The little details are now flashing inside his mind, the way Sehun always pulled away immediately when Jongin got close to him, in every single kiss they’ve ever had; Sehun was always the one who pulled away first. Every time they made love—Jongin shakes his head, he cannot call it making love, if Sehun hasn’t felt loved at all, not when all Sehun felt throughout all these years that they’re together is pain, pure heart-wrenching pain.

Jongin hits his head against the wall over and over again, thinking that might be a remedy to help clear out his head, make him breathe again properly and be able to think about what is really going on.

It doesn’t seem right to him, how can he just believe that all these years that they’re happily in love? How can he be so selfish? How can he let Sehun just suffer alone? He feels so fucking stupid letting this happen, he for sure knows that he could’ve prevented it from happening but no, he was selfish and just let Sehun go with the flow, the flow of what he believed was being in love and happy and content.

“I’m so fucking stupid! Fuck!” Jongin shouts, pulling angrily at his hair. He kneels down, head on the wall, tears running freely on his face. “FUCK!” He shouts, anger and pain is all he can feel right now, and he doesn’t even know if he can still manage to look at Sehun the same way before, he cannot do it anymore. It’s not the same anymore.

Jongin punches a fist through the wall, the sound echoes throughout their bedroom, forcing its way through the sounds of cries and sobs that are floating around. The sound of his fist hitting the wall is terrifying, if you listened closely, the sound of bones breaking in his hand was evident but Jongin was physically numb to his core.

“This is why I never told you, it’s because I knew you’d react this way.” Sehun speaks up, getting up from his place on the wooden floor, slowly approaching Jongin. And as if Jongin can sense Sehun coming towards him, he moves away immediately, he refuses to be near Sehun right now, he’s afraid that Sehun would be drawn back to the bitter memories and it makes Sehun gasp, a tear falling down his face as he understands what Jongin is trying to do.

“I knew that you’d blame yourself that’s why I kept it in, but I know that somehow I needed to tell you this.” Tears continue to stream down Sehun’s face, his breathing has gotten heavier as the seconds go by.

“P-please don’t come near me, I don’t want to hurt you again, please Sehun.” Jongin sobs out, refusing to meet Sehun’s gaze as he buries his head into his folded arms on top of his knees.

“You decided to tell me now because why? Am I being too much for you? You cannot handle the pain anymore? Is that it?” Jongin may sound muffled with his arms covering his mouth but Sehun can still hear him clearly, he can hear the pure emotion of agony that’s dripping word for word that’s leaving his lover’s lips.

“I decided to tell you the truth—”

“What truth? The truth that you were pretending to love me this whole time?” Jongin cuts him off, his loud voice breaking out through the sobs that are echoing throughout the room and then both of them are greeted with uncomfortable silence once again, but this time, it’s worse. 

Sehun can’t believe that Jongin doubts his love for him and it takes Jongin a few seconds before he realizes the words that came out of his mouth, regret washes all over his face once it hits him what he just said to Sehun.

“Do you really think that I don’t love you at all?” Sehun asks Jongin, his voice is so soft and small, as if he’s about to break if he speaks a bit louder.

“N-no, no, no no! Sehun, no, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.” Jongin whimpers, he cannot believe it.

_ He doubts Sehun’s love for him _ .

“Because Jongin—” Sehun gasps for air, he’s crying too much, tears are continuously running down his face, while heartbreaking sobs are coming out from his chest “I fucking love you so much—” Another gasp for air again, “Even if I go through hell, I will continue to fucking love you. But I think it’s not worth it anymore if you think of me like that.”

Sehun’s loyalty and love for Jongin is on another level. If someone asks him if he’ll go through this again just to stay and love Jongin for the rest of his life, he would say  _ yes  _ in a heartbeat. But it can also change.

“I could’ve left you from the start! But I didn’t!”

And it’s true. Sehun could’ve left Jongin from the start, but he didn’t. He already knows how much Jongin loves him and he feels the same way for him, yes, it’s hard, but Sehun managed, he managed to keep it all but now, he thinks Jongin should know about his situation and he let him know, only for Jongin to doubt his love for him.

“I didn’t tell you sooner because I thought it would go away, I thought it was some kind of hallucination, a bad dream, I thought my mind was just playing tricks with me, but unfortunately it wasn’t. I didn’t tell you because I know you’d distance yourself away from me, I feared that you’d blame yourself! But you ended up doubting me instead!” Sehun just continues to cry his heart out, his voice is broken, his hands are shaking, his chest is tight and everything hurts too much right now.

“You may not mean it, but you thought of it! You fucking doubted me for one second and it fucking hurts Jongin! It hurts more than the painful memories that I see!” Sehun is shouting now, his voice echoing throughout the whole room, his voice is loud and raspy due to his crying.

“Being doubted by someone is more painful, Jongin!” Sobs come out from Sehun’s body once again, he’s tired of crying but he cannot stop, he cannot stop sobbing, whimpering, and the tears just keep on falling.

“Sehun, I’m sorry.” That’s all the Jongin is able to say to him, no other words are coming out of his mouth, his mind is not capable enough to form a sentence in fear of saying he doesn’t mean again.

“All those times, I kept on asking myself if I should leave you to save myself from the pain, and I always chose you. I kept on choosing you every single time I questioned myself and yet you didn’t think of that for one bit.” Sehun is tired, he has been holding on for so long, and this is the time where he didn’t expect that he’ll break.

Jongin doesn’t dare to look into Sehun’s eyes, he knows he messed up and he doesn’t even know how to make up for it.

How can he doubt Sehun’s love for him? How can he not believe his soulmate, the one that has been destined for him since the beginning?

“Sehun, I’m so-“

“Jongin” Sehun cuts him off, “I think this time, I should choose myself for the first time, don’t you think?” Sehun suggests to Jongin, but even if his mind isn’t cleared out completely, he’s already set on this decision. Despite all the crying and sobbing he has done, Sehun has never felt more determined on this suggestion that he proposes to Jongin.

He has thought about it a long time ago, that if a situation like this happens in the future, he’d take care of himself first. He’s going to choose himself over anything else for the first time in his entire life. And Sehun didn’t believe that this moment would come, where he’d actually choose himself over Jongin, yet here he is.

“W-what do you m-mean?” Jongin looks at Sehun, confusion written all over his face.

“I’m going to choose myself this time, Jongin, just for once.” Sehun painfully smiled at him, tears streaming down his face.

“I thought you love me?” Jongin asks even though the answer is too obvious for the both of them. But sometimes, love isn’t enough to make someone stay.

“I do Jongin, but right now, I’m going to choose to love myself.” And with that, Sehun leaves Jongin alone in their once shared room.

Sehun does love Jongin, but throughout almost his entire life, he chose the man over himself and this time he needs to choose himself to love the other one once again.

Everyone’s loyalty and love for one person has its limits, and for Sehun, he thinks he has reached his. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!


End file.
